Is it embarrassment? Guilt? Guilty pleasure? The thought of possibly being caught? Have I become a voyeur? Is that bad? There is no way I would be out peeping in peoples windows. That would be termination from the fire department and there is no way that can happen.I began organizing and arranging with a new sense of determination. With the adrenaline still flowing, I used it to accomplish more than I anticipated. Plus, I was on shift at the firehouse the next day and wanted to come home to a little normalcy after my 24 hour shift. The next day, the guys threw their testosterone covered words around the breakfast table like always. Bragging about how much of my stuff they carried in the house and how no one else carried as much as they did. Or how heavy my headboard was and that the new guy needed help carrying it in. I mentioned nothing of her. They had no idea who my neighbors were or if I even had any. The only mention was one guy saying that I lived in an old. ‘You’d do that? ... To your own mother?”“Damn straight. Now are you going to say yes, or do I start by getting the belt?”“Kyle ... PLEASE!”“Shut up and decide, Mother!”They both knew what her answer would be, but for different reasons. Kyle assumed that the threat of a severe whipping and being literally thrown into the street penniless would get him what he wanted.But while the whipping and homelessness were indeed excellent reasons to acquiesce, it was the guilt, the overwhelming and heart wrenching guilt which most ate at Maria. She simply could not stand to think that she was responsible for what Kyle had become - a meaner, more hateful version of his father. What, she thought, kind of person would he be today if I hadn’t indulged my insatiable need for acceptance and intimacy? If only I had acted differently, been less selfish.“Well?” he demanded.“ ... I...” her voice was nearly inaudible. “ ... I’ll ... do it.”“I knew it,” he sneered. “Once a whore always a whore!”“That’s ....
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